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Thoughts about routine

I've recently gotten into running. It was slow progress. I skipped most days. But every week I do go run once. I think it does help my mood. Early on, I definitely had the New Year Resolution feel where I almost ran every 2 days. But anyway, what's important is that I'm still barely keeping up with it. I've slowly introduced other things. I started doing dead hangs and active hangs, just 20-30 seconds. I then started lateral raises because I heard it's good for my physique. Then I now do standing tricep dumbbell extensions (?). I am totally not doing exercise in any scientific way, but I think it's about habit building a bit.

It is very easy to lose your routine. I like to blame others, but at the end of the day, it's me who needs to keep it. What I really need is just 150 minutes of exercises a week (2h30m/w)

I feel frustrated because routine and good habits doesn't come easy. I also wishes for the positive effects exercise would have on me (physiological, mental, attractiveness, etc.), but why must good things be so hard?

This is just a rant, but it's about making sure I keep going.

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obsession

Books are my obsession. The finishing of a story is a grinding pressure on me when I start on every journey. It doesn't take long to know if you'll enjoy a story or not, just a few chapters. Before you know it, a vortex has pulled you into the depths. Sometimes I think it's an incredibly toxic and unproductive thing. I probably am squandering away a lot of potential. But whenever I cast my gaze into the past, I can't help but think fondly of those nights. Those were the most sublime of personal freedom, moments when I really can let go of anything else in the world.

Frodo

I told this to close friends before, but it's worth writing again.

When I first read Lord of the Rings, I thought Frodo was boring. He wasn't heroic like Aragorn, nor was he wise like Gandalf. Frodo was just walking and "suffers" from the ring. I would skip Frodo's parts when I re-read.

Having now been through what I have experienced, I would still skip Frodo's parts on re-read. Not because I thought it's boring, but because the invisible pain hits very close to home.

GF on UNSC

My girlfriend had an off-day today, which meant she spent her afternoon watching YouTube videos on the current Russian invasion of Ukraine. Through a segment on Seth Meyers, my gf found her way to the live recording of the United Nations Security Council giving their votes on a (largely symbolic) resolution. Here's how she summarizes it:

It's the tone. you have to watch the tone! Everyone is like "you suck!", US was like "that's right!", UK was like "that's right!", but Brazil was like "we find the situation deeply troubling...."

It was cute. That's all. Not a good day for many people today, so we should appreciate the treasures along the way.

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a few thoughts today

So we heard the CVS on 3rd Ave near us will be closed. I was somehow under the impression that that location is a CVS franchise, and was saddened because the Chinese woman owner seemed like a hardworker. Now that I've done my research I am glad at the very least she's just another worker and hopefully they didn't lay her and her staff off.

Also, https://whimsicalkyle.wordpress.com/.

niche tech in film

I just want to post about this sexy beast that is currently situated at the Mono No Aware film lab in Brooklyn, New York. Let me try colorfully recount what Steve Cossman, Mono's director, tells me:

This is 1 of 18 machines in the world. The hardware is handbuilt by one guy and the software is handbuilt by another. Its full cost is \$250,000 but they made one at \$30,000 for Mono. It's got 32TB of hard drive temporarily as the guy will come next week to upgrade that. It's hooked up to a Windows PC that host the processing software, export to the data tower and we've got a Mac hooked up to that for ease of data transport. Scans 8 frame a second at 4K resolution. We drove it to the lab in the middle of a snow squall, and I have to thank a cinematography.com guru for helping set it up for us.

{% include centerImage.html url="/assets/niche_mono2.jpg" desc="what a sexy scanner" title="Xena Film Scanner" %}

{% include centerImage.html url="/assets/niche_mono1.jpg" desc="Xena control module" title="what are all those knobs?" %}

That's it, just niche tech that most will not get to see. Unless they come to Mono No Aware.

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comparison is the thief of joy 2

I feel anxious today. I feel anxious a lot actually. I feel as if I'm not as good as my peers. Or that I'm not achieving as much as them. Lot's of comparisons being made lately. But need to remind myself from time to time that it's all okay. It's okay. Take your time. My existence is but a blip on this world. Who remembers the richest family and people of the 18th century, that's right, not a lot.

I have a good life, a good gf, a good job. I'll be grateful. Not fully satisfied, but I'll always be grateful for what I have.

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tommorow I wont remember her

Jason: Adelkhah is a professor at Sciences Po, it's crazy how her situation went down in Iran

Jason: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jan/12/iran-sends-french-iranian-academic-back-to-jail-at-key-point-in-nuclear-talks?utm_term=Autofeed&CMP=fb_us&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR3XDsVHtvvJqMWLXDhmmRuWQ-210V41IL9JA_qJjaMH2nhIT3WszeysWLU#Echobox=1642029269

Me: wow

Me: she's a dual citizen?

Me: the weird feeling i'm getting is that tomorrow i won't remember her

TMS: its ok man sometimes true love feels fleeting

Trung: hmmm yes very wise

Me: weird, cause i was watching this video at the same time

Me: Can We Be Heroes Again? Confronting the Banality of Modern Evil

a bad mood

‘I remember,’ Brod writes, ‘ a conversation with Kafka which began with present-day Europe and the decline of the human race. “We are nihilistic thoughts, suicidal thoughts that come into God’s head,” Kafka said. This reminded me at first of the Gnostic view of life: God as the evil demiurge, the world as his Fall. “Oh no,” said Kafka, “our world is only a bad mood of God, a bad day of his.” “Then there is hope outside this manifestation of the world that we know.” He smiled. “Oh, plenty of hope, an infinite amount of hope – but not for us.”

The quote above seems to be the accurate quote. But I like the rendition I found on Reddit:

"Kafka said to his friend Max "We are only suicidal thoughts in the mind of God. Our entire world is just a bad mood he's having. We live in God's bad day." Max, not sure if his friend was joking, replied "Well then, there must be hope, outside this manifestation of the world we know." Kafka smiled and agreed. "Yes, an abundance of hope, an infinity of hope...for God. But not for us.""

international developer after 1 year

The path for a foreign worker that came to the US through university is very straightforward if they want to live a life here afterwards. My assumption here is that you're not rich, that you don't have family that is already a permanent citizen (green card) that can pull you over, you're not marrying a US citizen, and you're not eligible for like asylum/diversity visa. Oh and you're not super-talented and wins awards, and got papers, or save the pope's life etc. etc.

First, it's imperative that you get a STEM degree. Why? well you'll find out later. But do well in university because you'll need to get a job right after you graduate. In fact, you have a time limit of 60 days from when you graduate or else after that you're "illegal". The fee to get this post-graduation student-worker status is $400 for 1 year. Oh, you want to improve your chances with internships? make sure it doesn't add up to 12-months of full-time, or else it counts against your 1 year limit.

Second, lol at getting a job as an international fresh grad. All the jobs that need clearance, well that's not for you. Companies without clearance don't want to hire internationals because it's more paperwork for them, if they know the paperwork at all. Or maybe they don't have a HR department. Or maybe they don't want to keep someone that won't be able to stay with the company for more than a year.

This is where STEM comes in. You got a STEM major? You can get an extension for 2 years. If you're unlucky, you'll have to handhold your company's HR to get the correct paperwork on time (thankfully my company's was great). BTW, did I mention that you can't work without this one card sent to you by DHS after they take 3 months to approve your application, tough luck if your start date is earlier than that.

What if I want to stay for more than 3 years? Well, you can switch over to the worker visa, if your company sponsors you. In fact, they have to submit the paperwork, and pay the fee (imagine dangling that over your head at quarterly reviews). The best part though, it's a once-a-year lottery! An entirely luck-based regime. Even if you have STEM, and your employer plays the lottery 3 times for you, you still have a 34% chance overall of not getting a worker visa (70% of not winning ^ 3 years).

Of course, throughout all this, companies can apply for a green card for you. Will they though? They don't have to, cause they know they got you tied to them with your student-worker status, or your worker visa status.

International workers are always hyper-aware of their status. It's like living with a knife over your head, it's a strong rope, but all it takes is a gush of particularly bad wind.

So that's my experience as an international worker after 1 year. Thankfully there wasn't many cases of racism, my workplace is good, I like my boss and my team. But I understand deep in my bones that every day I get to stay in this country is pure luck, and I should be grateful.

What an anxiety-inducing dream.